Somebody call 911-all the beer's gone! While not exactly an emergency situation for most of us, a plethora of empty beer cans put a serious crimp in one Tennessee man's weekend. The Columbia Herald, of Columbia, Tenn. reported that 67-year-old Allen Brooks allegedly dialed 911 at least nine times on Saturday. He hung up on most of the calls, but a dispatcher did hear him make one request: Would Emergency Services send a squad car to take him on a beer run? Police Officer Seneca Shield said he told Brooks that if he cooperated, he would just receive a citation. But Brooks denied making the calls and even claimed he didn't own a telephone. Officers arrested him anyway. He is charged with making 911 calls in a non-emergency situation. Too bad, I had started to hope the fire department would deliver my pizza tonight.

It's a good thing that Brooks and this next guy are separated by the Atlantic Ocean. The London Fire Department had no time to deliver pizza after they were called in to rescue a man from his blazing underwear. No, really. The domestically challenged man decided he would dry his damp socks and underwear by putting them in the microwave. The fire department had to rush in and put out the kitchen blaze and pull the man (who hopefully had on a different pair of underwear) out to safety. The fire destroyed the microwave, as well as the garments inside, and caused smoke damage to the small apartment. Sadly, this is yet more proof that the microwave is the most misunderstood appliance. This guy really should stick to take out.

Errors abound this week, and this one is pretty bad. Washington D.C. resident Seth Horvitz recently ordered a flat screen TV from a third party company through Amazon. When the box arrived at his apartment, he thought it seemed a little small for his purchase but assumed it contained accessories. When Horvitz opened the box, he discovered it contained a Sig Sauer military-style assault rifle. An invoice showed that the gun should have been delivered to a firearms dealer in Duncansville, Pa. Horvitz called the police, who confiscated the rifle and are investigating how the mistaken shipment occurred. Amazon and UPS had no immediate comment. Horvitz said he had never touched a gun until he fingered the trigger of the Sig Sauer. Now, I'm not a fan of European-style gun control laws, but this guy, who had never held so much as a BB gun, was messing around with the trigger of an assault rifle. I mean come on, imagine what might have happened if that gun had been shipped to the guy who couldn't tell the difference between a dryer and a microwave?

You'll think twice about crossing the double yellow line in Johnstown, Penn. That's because crews re-lining the roads accidentally painted over a dead raccoon. A passing biker who stopped to snap a picture says he was laughing so hard he almost wrecked his bike. A spokesman for the Department of Transportation explained that a foreman normally clears the road ahead of the paint truck but none was working that morning. He went on to blame the "squirrelly" roads for making it nearly impossible for the truck driver to avoid painting the raccoon. The carcass has since been removed. But the town's raccoons are still up in arms about being confused with squirrels.

When bowlers come to the end of the lane, they want to go out with a perfect strike. That's why Pittsburgh-area bowling fanatic Tony Guarino hired a Utah company to fashion a bowling ball urn for his ashes. Guarino told KDKA-TV that his wife Stacy called Storm Products Inc., of Brigham City, Utah, when he began wondering if the bowling ball company could make his final resting place. Company official Mike Stewart said Storm was "honored" by the request and has delivered the ball. Guarino has been a lifelong bowler who earned his only perfect game with a Storm ball. His wife says the ball will not be used to bowl but will be placed inside a bowling bag along with one of Guarino's father's favorite bowling balls. And that puts a whole new meaning on striking out.