From a stack of stories we just couldn't make up, we bring you these news gems:

The Associated Press reported that President Barack Obama is prepping thousands of lawyers for the upcoming election. Considering his current approval rating, you would think he'd want less competition.

A shoe thief in New York City has baffled police by stealing a left shoe from one store, and a right shoe from the other. Investigators suspect that when the thief was in the first store he only wanted the sole shoe. Later, the thief realized he had gotten himself into a jam and stole the right shoe from the wrong store.

Police recently arrested another New York man for allegedly punching his wife's poodle in the face and killing it. Needless to say, he's in the doghouse with her. A nearby schnauzer was the only witness to the brutal crime and was unavailable for comment.

An Ohio candy thief only goes for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, according to authorities. The unknown thief took between $400-$600 worth of the chocolaty treat from a convenience store during the last few months, proving that there is, in fact, a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

More than 1 million people are still blacked out after the devastating storms that blew through the country on Friday. Somebody should really call a doctor already. It can't be good to be unconscious for that long.

The heat really is driving people crazy. An Arkansas woman who fled the scene of an accident in Van Buren told police she was rushing home to keep the ice cream she had just bought from melting. Flora Burkhart rear-ended another car but told police she didn't think the damage was that bad. And besides, ice cream is serious stuff when the mercury is regularly vaulting over 100 degrees. Hopefully it offered her some consolation for the two tickets police gave her for following too closely and leaving the scene of an accident.